You probably have an idea of what your values are. You could tell me a few words that stand out to you if I asked. But if you don’t have them written out in black and white, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
Why?
When you know your values, they become your compass. Any decision, big or small, is made so. much. easier. when you consider it in line with your personal values.
I did the work to figure mine out recently when a beautiful friend gifted me a wellbeing journal for my birthday (this one, in case you’re interested).
The journal had a list of common values in the front so I picked a few out and felt really good about them. But when I started using them to guide my decision, they didn’t feel quite right.
So I listened to a podcast, The Imperfects with psychologist, Dr Emily, on values (this one) and I wanted to share some great tips from the episode.
So, how to figure out your values?
It’s pretty simple, but it can also feel hard, particularly if you haven’t given it much thought in the past.
It’s simple in that you can just look over a list of values and you can choose what resonates with you. Easy right? Distilling them down to your core values and actually living by them is the harder part.
Let’s break it down.
The easy part
Here’s a list of common values. Make note of what resonates with you and of course, go ahead and add anything else I haven’t included.
A few tips from Dr Emily on the podcast:
Values tend to be ‘being words’. So something like ‘relationships’ would not be a value. Instead of relationships, you need to think about what a good relationship looks like to you. Is a good relationship about being open? Honest? Present? Trustworthy? Think about what it means to you.
Forget about what you think you should value. As much as you can, try to think of what you truly value.
Your values can change and evolve. They probably won’t change every week, but they will change depending on where you’re at in your life.
They are not goals, you can never ‘tick them off’ your list.
The harder part
Ok, you’ve done the easy part.
Choose 3 core values
Now it’s important to distill these down to a maximum of three core values. Choosing no more than three is important simply because it’s hard to remember (and be guided by) more than three.
Now you’ll want to sit with these for a few days.
If you have a trusted partner, friend, mentor, coach or therapist, you might want to discuss it with them.
Try some combinations out for a few days. You might find that they are perfect. You might also find that those are things aren’t working for you when you use them to guide your decisions.
It could take weeks, maybe months to really settle on your core values.
Define them
Remember everything is subjective, so define what they mean to you.
For example, curiosity to some people might mean being curious about what’s going on in the world. They read lots of news and research the background story on what interests them.
To me however, curious as a value means learning more about human behaviour. It encompasses my passion for self development and growth.
The hardest part
Now all you have to do is live by them. Sounds easy, but you need to keep them front of mind and you have to be willing to sit in discomfort at times.
Humans are wired to avoid discomfort. The beauty of values is that they will help you face uncomfortable situations to help you live a life true to yourself.
So, for example, when you’re feeling the urge to people please to avoid confrontation, you might look to your value of authenticity to guide you to speak your mind and be true to yourself.
Basically, your values help you to confront short term pain so you can avoid the pain living a life that is not true to yourself.
And with that, I’d like to finish with a quote Dr Emily shared on the podcast.
“The pain of psychopathology has two sources. The smaller source is the one usually focused on: the pain of struggling with symptoms. The larger source is often not mentioned: the pain of a life not being lived. Values are choices of desired life directions. Values are a way of speaking about where to go from a life not being lived.” - source.
What are your values? Have you done the work in the past, or are you figuring them out now?
Until next time,
A
I've been revisiting my values recently. I noticed that although the essence of them is the same, some of the words have changed a bit. As of this moment, I'm leaning towards Freedom, Creative, and Authentic.